Deja Vu

My life has changed so much since October 2019. That first ER trip was not the last of one. First off

Christmas 2019 was HORRIBLE

Reasons why

  • First experience in a wheelchair
    • People thought I was faking
      • Got walked on
        • Confusion
          • Crying
            • Depression
          • Anxiety
        • Had to move very slow
      • Unable to work
    • Was not able to Dance
  • Couldn’t do a lot of things I enjoyed

After some horrible experiences I scheduled another Microdiscectomy in desperation to make things go back to normal. The feelings of guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and my in-abilities, I just wanted them to

GO AWAY!

but I knew they would not vanish, as though not only one disc is herniated, I have more that are bulging and maybe it is inevitable, if I do not change. I ended up cancelling the surgery and moved on with Holistic care options with the VA.

January was a month of New Beginnings.

MassArt: Fashion Design, VA Doctor Appointments, Therapy,

Acupuncture, Reiki I, Church, Bible Study, & Music

Anything that is set to serve my soul and promote healing of the mind, body and spirit were put in the forefront and made a priority. It was not easy, especially when you feel alone and no one understands what you are going through. Family and friends do not know what to do or how to help. I was learning and I needed to become vocal and in control of my situation. No longer would I be made victim of my what was happening to me.

I planned my success at MassArt by getting in touch with the disabilities office, finding my values of

1. Comfort

2. Acceptance

3. Love

4. Safety

5. Health

As long as I could find and fit these values into my everyday life I realized I can be successful no matter where I am or what I am doing. I went into Planning mode and vocalized what I needed.

So What do I need?

I set up my worst case scenario episodes, where I am unable to walk

So this meant *** Wheelchair First off, no one that is young and in good health wants to be in a wheelchair. I had to overcome my ego and change my perception of what my success looked like and stop holding myself back. So I am getting one for personal use, and have to plan ahead so my needs can be met at school and the VA.

After a couple months of therapy I am becoming empowered by my tools that make it possible for me to function in this fast paced world.

Finding safe places where I can sit and gain composure was a big deal to me.

At times where I could not go on, and my body wants to give up, I would get overwhelmed and want to cry. The simplest task can create a lot of stress.

My world was changing.

Doing some research I found the Veteran center at MassArt, got in touch with Security and realized I was in a safe environment at school, the VA, and of course home. The rest of my values of comfort, acceptance, and love were up to me.

This meant ASKING FOR HELP! Asking for help seems like no big deal but having to ask more often than usual made me feel undeserving. No longer was I able to give help but now it was a need to receive it. I had to stop feeling guilty of needing help and feeling like a burden on society and everyone around me.

I could be okay with my disability but will the rest of the world?

These were just the creeping thoughts that hindered my ability to get what I needed. Sure everyone would have their opinion of me, but fighting through the feelings of rejection,bullying,hate, ect. all of the things experienced as a child.

Shit was HARD!

but I was able to get out of my head and give myself the dignity and respect that I needed. I am not perfect and this is only the beginning, I am sure I have a lot more obstacles to overcome.

I am Taking it One Day at a Time.

Published by connectedpines

Disabled veteran healing with art, music, & Ayurveda

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